Just know that i love you
by Ruthyroo
Summary: Another one shot after yesterdays E4 episode. From both pov. Stendan.


**Just know that i love you :)**

"Look Brendan…"

"It's okay."

"No, I shouldn't have doubted you yesterday, I know that. You know what I said…it was just…it was I'm sorry."

"You don't have to ever apologise to me Steven. Not ever."

"I should have been the first person fighting in your corner and I wasn't."

"What after everything I've done? No."

"I know that you're innocent though."

"Yeah? How...How do you know?"

"I can just see it, alright?"

"I love you, forever and I don't care what anybody says, yeah? Look at me. We will get through this together."

"You have no idea how much that means to me. But I can't. Sorry I just…I can't. This place, the faces; my head can't take it. I need to see my kids incase...

Brendan, right, look…if this is cause…I didn't mean…"

"I'm not leaving because of you, I'm leaving for me."

"Please."

"Steven, there is nothing you can do that'll make me stop loving you…nothing and I do love you…very much."

How could you leave me again? You've only just come back. I know being around here isn't easy, but I would have been with you every step of the way. You wouldn't have gone through this alone, regardless of what you might think. I would always stand by you Bren.

Ye think I'm leaving ye, but I'm not. I'm leaving the situation before I do something I'll regret. I don't trust myself, I hate making promises I can't keep and I'm sorry for that, I know ye deserve better. I just need to say goodbye to my boys, I'll be back before ye know it Steven.

What am I supposed to do without you now? Everyone is looking and judging me, maybe even pitying me, but everyone is looking all the same. Why didn't you take me with you? Am I still a secret when it comes to Eileen and the boys? I would go to the ends of the earth with you, if you asked me to.

I know that I've just left ye to pick up the pieces, but ye have good friends and I'm sure Chez will keep an eye on ye while I'm away. Maybe I should have asked ye to come with me, I wouldn't have to miss ye then, but ye know what Eileen is like. She has never forgiven me for ye know what I did and of course leaving her. I couldn't expect ye to drop everything for me anyway.

I can't even function without you Bren, I feel lost all of a sudden, scared of my surroundings and it's all because I don't have you here. I guess I've got used to you being here, loving me and protecting me. If someone is setting you up what happens if they come after me? I won't have you to keep me safe.

I hate leaving ye, do ye think I want to leave ye? I don't have a choice Steven. I want to stay here with ye forever and just forget about everyone else, but now I have this court case hanging over me and I need to explain it to my boys. They hate me enough already, they need to hear this from me and even though I will miss ye, the thought of ye being there when get home means everything.

I don't know what to do with you gone, I felt the loneliness the minute you shut the door, I wanted to run after you, pull you back inside and beg you to stay, but what would be the point? You'd only say no. When your mind is made up there is no changing it. I will miss the warmth of your body lying next to me at night…I will miss everything about you Bren.

I had to leave quickly otherwise I wouldn't have left at all; leaving ye behind is harder than it looks…trust me. I thought ye might have come after me and asked me to stay, I'm glad ye didn't though, I hate saying no to ye. I hate seeing that bright smile fade and I hate being the one to make ye cry. Ye look so fucking sad when ye cry, it tears me apart. I'm gonna miss ye though Steven…so much.

Maybe this is my karma for leaving Doug; maybe this is how it's always going to be for us, drama after drama. I'm finally with the man I love, but it feels like you are slowly slipping away from me now. You're either going to do a runner or go to prison, so our future looks pretty grim already, but I don't care. I will wait for you as long as it takes.

I can't help but wonder if things will ever get easier for us. Things keep pulling me away from ye, it's like fate is trying to keep us apart. But let me tell ye nothing could ever keep me away from ye for long. If I go to prison and I do lose ye for a while then I'll need ye to be strong. I don't expect you to wait for me, but I'm hoping ye will.

You haven't been gone long, an hour tops and yet it feels like days. What did I say? I'm just no good without you. You need to come back...now. I look around the flat, desperate for something to do, anything that will take my mind off of you. It's pointless though, I just can't concentrate on anything and your beautiful tired face is all I see.

It's been an hour and already I'm wishing that I was at home with ye, watching tele, having a cuddle, fucking endlessly. Every minute that I'm without ye, is a minute of my life wasted and I'm sick of wasting my life. I wonder what you're doing now, I bet Douglas loves this, he better not try anything while I'm gone or I'll kill him when I get back…figure of speech of course.

I need to be numb; I don't want to feel like this. I should be able to cope on my own, but I just hate it without you. If you do make it home I swear I'm never letting you go again, even if I have to tie you to myself. I can't go through this again…I just can't.

I feel like a having a nightmare, being away from ye again so soon, I hate being without ye now. When I come home I'm going to chain myself to ye, so that no one can take me away again. I can't keep doing this Steven…I need ye.

Bren, just know that I love you.

Steven, just know that I love ye.

**Please review xx xx xx**


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